im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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