I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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