Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?