Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops