how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?