I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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