I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
