Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Randomize
