Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
