she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
