Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
