sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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