I wish I could teleport
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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