70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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