Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
