On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My bed smells like the plague
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
