We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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