I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
