im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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