i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
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