my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
