I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
