Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
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