just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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