dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
