...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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