Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize