There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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