I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
third nipple confirmed
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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