Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
false alarm, still single
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
