The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I love having hate sex.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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