tell your sister to shave her snatch
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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