i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
