dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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