Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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