Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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