My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
