You work out of a Hotel?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
