Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
he was CRYING into my vagina
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
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