I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize
