I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
