I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
