I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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