I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
