The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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