woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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