he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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