I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
