Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
