God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
