at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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