corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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