It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
